After a year's hiatus and a move to a new location, I'm finally back in the land of the recaps. Helping me out is Fox's decision to scatter the seasons of Hell's Kitchen and MasterChef so I could take on just one at a time instead of two. So, without any further ado, let's get on with the show.
Before anything really happened on MasterChef's premiere, two big things were evident: One, that Graham Elliot left half of his body on the most recent MasterChef cruise (order your tickets today!) and two, that we were skipping over the first round, where we got to see people trying out in a big, intimidating factory-floor-looking room. Frankly, I almost didn't want to go on. Half the fun was hearing these bizarre backstories and then watching Gordon choke down macaroni and cheese made with breastmilk. Remember Johnny B's lobster crackerjacks last season? You know somebody served meatloaf ice cream and we all missed it.
Instead, the top 30 arrived to the MasterChef kitchen, with dreams of $250,000, their very own cookbook, and, most importantly, an ugly trophy dancing in their heads. However, don't fret about missing people cry over Joe Bastianich handing them a nondescript apron - these folks still had to earn their aprons by serving their signature dish, and thankfully they were provided a cutting board mirror to remind themselves who that signature dish is supposed to represent (SPOILER ALERT! It's them). The judges also reserved the right to eliminate people in the middle of the cooking process if they didn't like what they saw. Indeed, they did toss out Gavin, notable for his bowtie and complicated-sounding dish, and Tanya (Latanya?), not at all notable for any reason (sorry, Tanya/Latanya!).
After the judges made the rounds, testing various dishes, they selected 17 people to move forward. Some of the selected:
- Courtney, whose five jobs couldn't support her through college and led her to work in a "gentleman's club." Her on-screen descriptor calls her an "aerial dancer," which is one of the most impressive euphemisms for "stripper" I've ever heard. Anyway, Courtney is a fan of her Italian heritage, made gnocchis, and celebrated with some choice four-letter words that made the FCC think it was editing Hell's Kitchen.
- Big Willie, a pleasant-looking guy who leaned on his Southern roots for his dish. His performance in the pantry was one of my favorites, as he frantically rushed from side to side, trying - and failing - to not knock people over with his girth.
- Tyler, a hunting aficionado who overcame a subpar chimichurri sauce because the man knows how to cook a deer.
- Elizabeth, whose attempt to make a fancy version of PB&J made Gordon scoff but was apparently successful.
- A bunch of other people.
The remaining nine had one more chance to earn their aprons, but this time, things were a little more complicated. First, it was kind of a Mystery Box challenge but sponsored by an appliance company so it was a Mystery Refrigerator challenge. The "mystery" was that it was all food you could find right now in any person's fridge except mine because bacon doesn't last more than six hours in my house. Mostly, the challenge was for the contestants to come up with the most creative way to say that they're serving chicken and mashed potatoes. Second, they had to cook alongside Gordon, in a move that was supposed to either intimidate or inspire them.
After everyone gushed at how a world-class chef could produce a world-class dish in an hour with no pressure, five more contestants earned aprons. They were:
- Little Gordon, whose seared chicken breast and potato puree got decent reviews but whose retention on the show is really a thinly veiled excuse for the judges to refer to him and Gordon Ramsay as Little and Big Gordon.
- Leslie, a 56-year-old stay-at-home dad who dresses dapper and likes to trashtalk in a strange, polite sort of way, like if your nerdy uncle got a little too caffeinated before playing Scrabble. Uncle Leslie served enough chicken breast and mashed potatoes to feed his 75 children but it was good enough for Joe to overlook the terrible plating.
- Astrid, whose biggest claim to fame was that she kept throwing her food trash on the floor while she cooked. She was running around amid onion skins and peeled potatoes before Joe figured it out and yelled at her. Somehow she didn't get eliminated on the spot and she redeemed herself with seared chicken and potato hash. (Side note: I can't be the only person for whom the name Astrid only brings up The Office, right? And then you spend the rest of the night thinking her name is actually Astird? No? OK. End side note.)
- Francis. We learned a lot about Francis right off the bat: He has a hard-to-place accent (Scottish, maybe?). He favors full-bodied plaid suits. He looks a little like Mycroft Holmes. He's pals with Big Willie. He enjoys chemistry and cooking with chemicals and sciencey-equipment. That last part might have been his downfall in the first round, when the syringe he brought from home broke and he was forced to create something out of an eighth-grade science fair to compensate. He kept things complicated in the second round, making spinach pasta from scratch and then plating it in a way to make it seem like the shrimp are running away from seaweed (represented by the pasta). Needless to say, I'm a Francis fan.
- Elise, who just wants to escape her cubicle farm in real life. Elise's expertise is clearly pastries and after not passing muster with mini blueberry pies in the first round, follows it up with chicken pot pie in the second. Seriously. Two pies. There is a 100% chance she has a "365 Pies" page-a-day calendar on her desk at work. The chicken pot pie might have been one of the least appetizing things I've ever seen, but either it tasted amazing or the judges were charmed by her desperation.
So there are our top 22, all aproned out. We lost eight along the way, but the producers did a fine editing job to ensure we didn't get too attached. Although I think we all enjoyed seeing the proud Idahoan improperly cook a potato. Next week, we get right into the Mystery Box challenges and team challenges and elimination challenges and all that fun stuff. So who do you like? Not like? It's pretty early and we haven't even met half the people yet, but I guess if I had to make an early pick to win, it would be Courtney, although I'm not loving my choices so far.
Dish I'd Most Like to Try: Francis' shrimp-escaping-the-killer-seaweed-pasta. I'm in favor of any dish that involves murderous plantlife and an exhaustive backstory.
Fancy Dish I Made Myself Today: Cereal. With milk!
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