Tuesday, June 10, 2014

MasterChef Recap: I Want YOU...to Give Me Pork Chops

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As a reward for making it to the final 20, the MasterChef crew dumped the contestants in the middle of the Mojave Desert, making them trek Lawrence of Arabia-style while Joe, Graham and Gordon arrived by armored truck, with a helicopter escort. Knowing we'll inevitably see our fearless judges arrive by Jet-Ski, hang glider, hot air balloon, and alpaca at some point this season, I'm officially starting the transportation chart now. MasterChef Team Challenge Judge Arrival BINGO? MasterChef Team Challenge Judge Arrival BINGO.

For winning last week's Elimination Challenge, Francis B. (because one Francis is never enough!) got to pick his dream team, even without knowing the actual challenge. He quickly took Cutter and Tyler because they're country boys who know how to handle meat, Victoria because she's a country girl who can handle a grill, Francis Non-B because he's fun, Big Willie because he has finesse, Christine and Elizabeth because we've vaguely heard of them before and two people I'm still not sure exist. (Oh wait, here they are.) Team Everyone Else was then tasked with picking a captain and they chose Daniel because he has all-business hipster glasses.

From there, the judges loaded the teams into the trucks and explained that they'd be serving a meal to 500 service members training in the desert. Somehow, in a truck with these random people, Joe and Gordon still look the most ridiculous in their military helmets, like when the president of a Fortune 500 company puts on a construction helmet and scoops the groundbreaking first dirt on a new project or when a dog wears a wig.

Once they arrive, the team split up and you immediately see the pros and cons of each group. Team Francis starts off with plenty of group unity, with everyone agreeing on making a pork chop with apple cranberry sauce and bacon. macaroni and cheese. Things start falling apart later, when the food actually has to be cooked. First, with limited cooking options, Francis' mac and cheese winds up being a big tub of noodles and partially melted cheese. It's so bad they have to scrap it and make cole slaw, and the sheer magnitude of chopping up 500 servings' worth of cabbage makes everyone's arms fall off.

Their other problem came when they decided to cook the extra-thick-cut pork chops whole, meaning they took forever to actually cook. When they did cook. Which didn't happen for awhile. A lot of soldiers had to choose Team Daniel's plate by default because they either received a raw pork chop or no pork chop at all. Then somebody got the bright idea to butterfly cut the meat so it cooks fast and bingo-bango, they were back in business.

Team Daniel, meanwhile, had their own issues, coming in the form of a certain vest-wearing, Farrah Fawcett-hair-styling, Malibu dad named Leslie. Leslie doesn't want to make chicken like the rest of the team; he wants steak. Leslie thinks Stephani is undercooking the chicken. The only thing worse than an obnoxious guy who disagrees about everything is an obnoxious guy who disagrees about everything and is occasionally right. Chicken was plain and unremarkable. Stephani was definitely undercooking the chicken, much to Gordon's dismay.

In the end, despite missing a bunch of soldiers and serving raw pork to a bunch more, Team Francis took the win, sending Team Daniel to the Pressure Test.

Before we get to the challenge, Captain Daniel has an important decision to make. What three members of his team will he save from having to compete in the Pressure Test? One of them has to be Leslie, right? I mean, he does KNOW EVERYTHING and he did EVERYTHING RIGHT in that challenge that they lost and he's just pretty much the best guy ever. In fact, can Daniel use all three saves on Leslie? One for his vest, one for his hair and one for him? Seems only fair.

Instead, Daniel chose two of the hardest workers on the team - gasp! - Christian and Little Gordon. Then he saves comic book villain Dan because Daniel is intimidated to compete with him in the test.

And that test? It's to make a blueberry pie. Jaimee and her blueberry pie neck tattoo are psyched. Stephani and her complete lack of any blueberry pie-making experience are less so. Elise is torn, having already served a blueberry pie to the judges in the first round that they didn't like. But she loves pie SO MUCH.

Jaimee, Courtney and Leslie were the top tier and saved almost instantly by the judges. Both Daniel and Jordan's pies were a little less consistent, with plenty of downsides but a couple of upsides, too. Not bad for Daniel, who got his pie into the oven way later than everyone else.

Eventually, the loss goes to Stephani, whose bizarre pecan-infused crust and uber-sweet filling did her in. I'm sure her raw chicken during the Team Challenge probably didn't help either.

Dish I'd Most Like to Try: I'm actually not really a blueberry pie person, so I guess I'd try the pork chop dish from the Team Challenge. Preferably one of the cooked ones.

Dish I Made Myself: Leftover BBQ pork tenderloin, leftover garlic and herb rice pilaf, and a mixed greens salad. Nothing says super fun night like food from a microwave!

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